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Challenge: Insults
May 25, 2005

By Kayden Eidyak
May 27, 2005

~ Insult Drabble~

"You no good, two-faced son of a b--"

Jack caught sight of a small boy standing outside of a nearby shop, his mouth agape.

"of a…a…beaver," he finished lamely, noting the person he'd been directing the insult at was now long gone.

The boy's mother gave Jack a harsh look and hurried the child away.

A couple days later Jack heard an unfortunately familiar phrase.

"You two-faced son of a beaver!"

Followed by, "Henry! "None of that talk!"

He heard the boy squawk as he was led away by an ear.

"I must be a bad influence," Jack smirked.

By Lorraine
May 27, 2005

~ How to Insult a Pirate ~

Jack peered through his spyglass, took it from his eye, breathed on it and wiped the lenses carefully with his sash. He replaced it to his eye. He passed it to Gibbs and then to Anamaria.

"Are you seeing what I'm seeing?" he asked.

"A right smart little brig, sportin' British colours," answered Gibbs, like a seaman.

"Make a nice replacement boat for someone you owe a boat." Anamaria fixed him with a characteristic glare.

"A brig! She's only got 14 guns and might go eight knots in a bloody gale. Norrington sent a brig after _me_! It's an insult!"

By Lorraine
May 27, 2005

~ On the Sending of Messages to Pirates ~

Norrington stared through his spyglass at the big black ship cavorting through the waves just a few leagues from Port Royal. So insultingly close to _his_ town and fort. It was not to be borne. He called for his first lieutenant.

"Mr. Gillette, please send a message to Captain Hawkings immediately. 'Ready your ship and prepare to give chase to the Black Pearl with all possible haste.'"

"But sir, Captain Hawkings? He's a fine sailor but the Badger's no match for the Black Pearl in size or speed."

"Yes, Mr. Gillette, I know. I believe Sparrow will understand my meaning."

By Hendercats
May 28, 2005

~ Lieutenant Insulted ~

One day's head start? Astounding! The Commodore's actions (or lack thereof) this morning were preposterous! After all the insolence, the indignities, the disgrace we've suffered from that blackguard, watching my commander smile, (smile!) instead of leaping to the chase was more than I could stomach. Perhaps Miss Swann's betrayal has made him temporarily soft in the head.

But lying abed feigning illness accomplishes nothing other than giving that insufferable Herrick fodder for his jibes. Men must be assigned, supplies loaded, the Dauntless made ready for tomorrow's pursuit.

Sparrow has much to answer for, including the ruin of my favorite wig.

By Melusina
May 28, 2005

~ An Inauspicious Beginning ~

He looked like easy pickings: finely cut coat, fat purse, and too drunk to notice someone brushing against him in the crowd. But before Jack could slip away, the man grabbed Jack's arm and forced his hand open, exposing the purse he'd pinched.

"I believe that belongs to me." The man smiled wolfishly and plucked the purse from Jack's hand. His expression softened as he took in Jack's ragtag appearance, and he fished out a coin. "Here, son, buy yourself a meal."

"Many thanks! You're a true gentleman, sir."

"I just did you a kindness -- there's no call to insult me. I'm no gentleman; I'm a bloody pirate!"

"Me too!"

A dubious look. "You are? Who do you sail with?"

No need to go into that misadventure. "I'm, uh, in the market. As it were."

"You're a clever one, I'll give you that. What's your name, mate?"

"Jack. . ." A bird lit on the windowsill. "Sparrow."

"William Turner. Pleased to meet you, Mr. Sparrow." He shook Jack's hand gravely. "Might be as there's a place for you on my ship. But Captain Roberts'll want to meet you first. Only the very best sail on the Black Pearl."

By Nancy
May 28, 2005

~ Swearing of a Swann ~

"What a drunken knave was the sea to cast thee in our way!"

Elizabeth's muttering caught Jack's attention. Out from under a coat and tricorn a few sizes too big were coming some very strange phrases.

"You should be women, and yet your beards forbid me to interpret that you are so."

Before he got too close, she spun on her heel and marched up eye to eye with him. Lifting her chin a bit to get a better look from under the brim of the hat. He saw the slight lift of one corner of her mouth as she paused for a moment.

The next words resembled something akin to a hiss. "Thou pribbling whoreson scut!"

This made him take a step back before countering back, "Thou bootless common-kissing wagtail!" He whispered back and carefully stared at her. The slight lift of her lips slowly gave way to a smile and then laughter. Once she gained her composure again Jack put his arm around her shoulder. "Now milady, one needs proper tutelage to insult someone, I think between Mr. Gibbs and myself we can set you straight."

She stopped, "Mr. Sparrow are you implying that I don't know how to insult someone?"

His eyes narrowed a bit, he'd walked right into that one. She'd prove a quick learner.

By Pirate Shy
May 28, 2005

~ Beau Nasty and the Bulky Whore ~

"Give us a kiss, Giselle love..."

"Are you going to pay me this time?"

"Payment on results."

"No, you'll tell me to 'look over there!' and run off."

"I solemnly swear I'll never deceive you in such a foul and cunning manner again."

"Mmmm... Not out here, it's too muddy."

"Pay it no mind..."

"Jack, you're getting me dress mucky!"

"Just like the rest of you, darling."

"Well, me dress was clean last week, so give over. You can pay for a room at the Bride, an' some water too, I reckon you've got more tar on you than the ship 'as."

"A room? I thought you were a whore of the bulk."

"Oh, did you? Then find some cheaper company, you skinflint beau-nasty!"

"Ow! Dammit, woman - wait! Giselle! Oh, no. Well. Her misfortune. I am certainly more beau than nasty."

By Jenthegypsy
May 30, 2005

~ Misinterpretation ~

“That’s blasphemy, Theo!” Lieutenant Gillette slammed his cup down, sending droplets of amber liquid flying across the table. “You cannot possibly believe what you are saying!”

“Even the Commodore had to admit it, Andrew. He is the best pirate I’ve ever seen.” Groves’ eyes sparkled with amusement as he recalled The Event. “He single handedly commandeered not one but two Ships of the Fleet in broad daylight, without firing a shot.” He laughed and drained his cup, looking over at his friend, who was turning a remarkable shade of scarlet.

“I am well aware of that fact, Theodore,” Gillette hissed between clinched teeth, “although he didn’t act alone.” The scarlet was beginning to deepen.

“Turner?” Groves waved the idea off. “The boy was incidental. Sparrow was the strategist, the technician, the seaman.” There was no missing the admiration in his voice.

“Well, Lieutenant Groves,” Gillette’s voice was edged with ice, in direct contrast to his face, which had gone an interesting shade of maroon, “when you grow up, maybe you will be a great seaman, just like the revered Captain Jack Sparrow.”

“Why, Andrew,” Groves’ smile was warm and genuine, “what a very kind thing for you to say!”

By Corrielle
May 30, 2005

~ An Unexpected Gift ~

It was widely agreed that the Blue Mermaid Tavern boasted the best ale and the friendliest girls in Tortuga. Coincidentally, it was also where Captain Jack Sparrow received his correspondence. Those who needed to know, as well as a few who didn’t, were well aware that letters and parcels intended for him could be sent on to the Blue Mermaid, and that they would eventually find their way into Captain Sparrow’s hands.

Jack studied the small parcel that the Mermaid’s proprietor had just placed on the table in front of him. It was wrapped in brown paper and secured with a bit of twine, and it would have fit easily into Jack’s palm.

“You expecting something?” Gibbs asked.

“Not that I remember, no,” Jack said. He tilted his head slightly to one side as if to get a better look at his parcel. “No sense in waiting, I suppose,” he said after a few moments. He cut the twine and stripped away the paper to reveal what appeared to be a small, cylindrical ivory box. Gingerly, he lifted the lid, and immediately realized that it wasn’t a box at all. It was a compass—a brand new one, from the look of it. Its brass parts were still perfectly polished.

“Now who would have sent me a thing like that?” Jack turned the gift over in his hands. It was a beautiful instrument, mysterious though its origins might be.

“Why don’t you read the note and find out?” Anamaria handed him a folded slip of white paper that had been brushed to the side with the wrapping.

Jack unfolded the bit of paper. The hand was unknown to him. It was neither Elizabeth’s feminine, flowing script nor Will’s workmanlike writing. A bit confused, he read aloud the two short lines that were written there: “For Captain Jack Sparrow. A compass that actually points north.” The word ‘actually’ was underlined with a single brisk stroke.

Jack’s face took on a slightly offended cast. “As if I didn’t have one already,” he grumbled as he pocketed his new acquisition.

*

Many miles away, Commodore Norrington looked up from the work spread across his desk and smiled for absolutely no reason in particular.

By Erinya
June 1, 2005

~ Sticks & Stones ~

By Geek Mama
June 1, 2005

~ Parry and Riposte ~

The rhythmic clash of steel on steel rang through the morning air as the combatants strove with deadly grace. The breeze was feather light and the witnesses hushed; even, heavy breathing was audible, along with the pad and scrape of practiced booted feet. Blue skies and shadowed sails wheeled overhead.

Evenly matched, ultimately it was knowledge of the surroundings that tipped the scales. A misfortunate heel caught against an obstruction, an oath sounded, and the foe thudded to the sun-hammered deck.

"There now," Jack gasped, eyes alight, offering the Commodore a hand, "Y'satisfied it ain't made o' wood?"

~.~

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